


I'm wrestling the angels and the devils in my head

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Character Study, Disappointment, Feels, Hope, I have feels, Light Angst, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 19:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21202490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: It seems like a good place, to start the season for real, after warming up on a couple of challenger competitions. But now he is here, among the best, after a good week spent in Toronto, and he feels ready. A bit nervous, but as ready as he can be.





	I'm wrestling the angels and the devils in my head

**Author's Note:**

> Matteo is my precious bean and I love him so much.  
I'm sorry for any mistakes, I've been attacked by feels I've written it super quickly to get it done before gala. I hope you enjoy!  
Title from 'Can't get it right' by Matthew Perryman Jones.

Kelowna is beautiful. 

The weather is great too, not too cold, the sun shining bright, delicate breeze tasting like salt on Matteo's tongue. It seems like a good place, to start the season for real, after warming up on a couple of challenger competitions. But now he is here, among the best, after a good week spent in Toronto, and he feels ready. A bit nervous, but as ready as he can be. 

The practices aren't perfect, some of the jumps not exactly coming together yet, but he feels like he can make it, he just has to focus a little bit more. It's not easy, with hundreds of eyes on him, with loud crowds even during training, with a weight of expectations sitting on his shoulders, whispering subtly to his ear. 

_It's new_, Matteo thinks as he skates around the rink, cooling down. It's new, because he's a bronze medalist from European Championships, and people have all the right to expect something. It's how things are, right? But he will do good. He just can't be nervous, he just has to breathe. It will all be okay. 

For a moment, the only thing he can hear is his own heartbeat, strong, erratic, pulsing through his entire body. 

And then, loud cheering of the crowd, and as Matteo skates towards his dad, he wonders dizzily if that thing he can hear in the crowd's cheering is pity. 

He holds himself together pretty well, at least as long as there is a camera pointed at his face; once it's gone he allows himself to let out a quiet sniffle, and his dad rubs his arm, silent but always there, maybe sensing that he should wait with words a few minutes, and Matteo is grateful for that. 

It's always so odd, and painful, realizing that one more dream will never come true. 

(He receives so many texts that day, encouraging, understanding. He is grateful for all of them, for every thought his friends and family are sending his way. He values them all, but the one he gets from Javi makes him sit up and wipe his eyes, fingers not shaking anymore as he reads a reply to his pathetic _I messed up so bad_. 

_You didn't. You're learning. And now, you get better_.)

He is better. Not perfect, but it brings a smile to his lips anyway. His dad and Franca smile too, and Matteo hopes that there are other people, in other corners of the world, who are happy for him too. 

The score is not what he dreamed about, not even close, but as Matteo stands up and walks away, he's smiling again.

Not perfect. But still a pretty damn good beginning. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm emo


End file.
